Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
