I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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