I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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