Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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