I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
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