when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
