Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
