I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
