There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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