I just saw a hot homeless man
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
