It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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