found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
