guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
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you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
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he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.