My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
