i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Well I just put wine in my tea
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
