I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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