dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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