i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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