God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
