sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
