2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
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