on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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