i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
