Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
