There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
