look no pants
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
