I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
