The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
MIDGETS
????
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
