i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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