did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
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I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize