sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just forgot I was standing up.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
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