mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
