A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
