It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
