mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
