I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
