two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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