What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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