Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
