Im at strip club and am horny
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
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