i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
