how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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