Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
