So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
