Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Randomize
