Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
