life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
