He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
