Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
