I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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