I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
What a dumb baby whore.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
