i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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