My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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