He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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