ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
