this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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