its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Randomize
