Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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