I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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