The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
