I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
it's great music for shaving your balls
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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